with Guest Blogger Aline Defiglia LCSW
- Adrenaline flows faster
- Strength increases by 20%
- The liver pumps sugar into the bloodstream
- More oxygen is demanded from the heart and lungs
- Veins become enlarged
- The rational “thinking” part of your brain can’t perform as well
However, in the most important areas of our lives, conflicts are largely unregulated, with no agreed upon rules to protect the participants or the relationship.
Step 1: Treat the other person with respect
Step 2: Listen until you hear the other side
When you are listening, it is not the time to offer explanations, apologies, or make any other statements except to reflect your understanding of the other person’s point of view or experience. Allow the other person time to think about your reflection, indicate that it was correct, explain their point of view further, or correct any inaccuracies in their speaking or your listening. If the other person adds or corrects your reflection, summarize that addition to their satisfaction. Visit my previous article: Listening 101 for more details.
When the other person feels heard, you have earned the right to speak your point of view and express your feelings.
Step 3: State your views, needs and feelings
- State your point briefly.
- Avoid loaded words.
- Say what you mean and mean what you say. (Don’t withhold information, don’t focus on one issue when your main concern centers on something else, don’t make more extreme statements than what you really believe).
- Disclose your feelings.
There are four ways to use the 1-2-3 Dialogue
2. In the heat of a conflict, you can introduce the method briefly and ask the other person to join you in this way of communicating.
3. Introduce the method when things are calm and peaceful.
4. You can use it to help others resolve conflicts by helping mediate in a third party role.
Next week stay tuned for how to creatively solve problems in the midst of conflict!